i like it here

because i don't know where i am right now, emotionally speaking, so i turn to music.

in my current playlist:
* who's gonna ride your wild horses? (U2)
* hold you in my arms (ray lamontagne)
* the space between (dave matthews band)
* last goodbye (jeff buckley)
* melissa (the allman brothers)
* is this love? (bob marley)
* lover, you should've come over (jeff buckley)
* fix you (coldplay)
* no umbrella (cynthia alexander)
* akap (imago)
* say goodbye (dave matthews band)
* i'll back you up (dave matthews band)
* got you where i want you (the flys)

i'm in a really weird place.

bit of a wreck right now. times like these, i'm grateful my mind is strong enough to carry me through for a while.

here we go again...

good morning, it's breakfast and i'm so ready to jump in ze water. self-portrait ek ek.

I like this photo i took of pats (after she took a similar one of me). she looks like a caribbean beach diyosa :)

pats took my camera and took this. taray muslim princess daw. i just call it oily =D

mucking about with watersports disposable camera. ang labo, talaga.

enjoying yummy indian/mediterranean food at True Food. Bakit kaya True Food, no?

Prior to that, the waitress took this off-center shot...

taken by pats. nice lights!

cheapest daquiris i ever had at P80 a pop!

Batman and Robin, pa-cute in the water.

nice!

after that stunning vista, i leave you with this hilarious shot. those are my lips trying to keep my head underwater while waiting for pats to press the darned lever =)

coming home early from work last night, i was greeted by my Ate Agnes with a request to come see Ponstantine with her at gbelt.

i had nothing better to do anyway, and djong--who agreed that both of us we're going to take a peek--was partying in QC (belat ;p). so off we went.

it started on time, fortunately. and the guy was a professional, singing song after song with nary a breath in between...and with gusto. to his credit, his voice sounds better than on telly. nothing unique, but much, much better than the tv set allowed during AI4. he did mostly covers...

which included Moondance, one of my favorites since I bought the Van Morrison collection early this year.

and i thought, "awesome!". i rarely hear that song performed by anyone or even played on a radio set (except maybe until recently, with Random Boy playing it at home most of the time. i guess it's one of the major reasons i hooked up with RB). At this point, my opportunity maker, pats sends me a text message "hey, some dude is singing your favorite song--the one with moonlight in it--here at greenbelt! la lang..." Some dude? chee =D

it's slightly amusing, too, to hear some guy sing this song while acting like he's that "other" Morrison musician.

and then I hiked over to Music One to look for the Wickermoss album, Falling Leaves (support this band. they're worth it!). I didn't see it, but did see one row of different CDs of Otis Redding...

and for anyone who knows, well... =D

so i said, it's a sign.

Ponstantine and i will hook up at some point in our lives. sadly, i'm no fan. but *sigh* if the signs point that way, i'll just have to accept it, right?

i don't know how i'm going to say no the greek, pero di ko talaga siya type, eh.

Mood: nutty

so here, some photos showcasing my embarrasment, amusement and pleasure at my first trip to that famed b-word beach. yes, i am in 99% of these pictures, some of which were taken by pats, the woman without a blog. when, i'm a more seasoned traveler, you'll see more of the sites instead of my mug. bleh!

oh yeah, these are a lot of photos for a very short jaunt...(souther accent)oh, hell!

starting off...

plane ride!!! dear holy gods and goddesses. suffice to say, i had a hard time trying to keep a cool face in front of pats. especially when the rest of me was screaming "dearlordjesusgod please put me down! put me down".

yep. i still gotta earn my wings.

Spotting Lost's Hurly helped ease my nervousness. She's a girl.

Ferry boat!

Stolen shot by pats. I like it =)

Manong on the boat

Relaxing a little, although I think I was reaching for my scapular.

Me and my opportunity maker

Pats took this picture. How sweet...I think she wanted to make sure I have many photos to remember the trip by. Anyhoo, Waling-Waling Resort has the best-looking ferry in the bunch!

Elated at still breathing. Boy, was I a (closet) nervous wreck on the plane!

Room 305

The treehouse, as viewed from the balcony of our room

Having dinner at the cabana. I like this photo's Lomo-ish look.

After a day of swimming and gallivanting under the sun...another shot by pats

I leave you (for now) with a photo of my feet on the fine, fine powdery sand. I'll be back mostly for the water, though =)

Look at that...and it's an awful photo!

More vanity soon!

oh my gulay...

i just saw michael stipe and rem on telly singing "furry, happy monsters having fun"...

don't you just lurve sesame street? =D

as i type this, there are mountains of scattered objects i still have to face. my cabinets and shelves have been a mess for the past four months or so. meanwhile, events of the past two months haven't been very conducive to cleaning or organizing. but some things have to be done and i hope to do my spring cleaning, usually therapeutic for me, sometime soon...when i am ready to face the mountains of memories attached to said objects.

as i type this, there is a part of me that wants to hit my head on the computer monitor and say "stupid, zane. stupid, stupid girl". during moments like this, i still don't know if i should regret meeting Random Boy.

but when i'm feeling stronger, i think, that's that. i should respect whatever reason i had, insane or irrational as that may be. already, i am seeing the benefits of knowing Random Wandering Boy, short as my knowing may be. i was made aware again of parts of me that i like and had forgotten. i saw again a way of life that i wanted to adapt before i got lost worrying about family things. haven't kept in touch that much but i am so grateful to him and will always think of him with a smile. plus, i got confirmation that yes, men and boys can be warm and sweet if they really want to, even if their motivation is not too, shall we say, altruistic. i just hope that he thinks of me in a positive light, too. and there's a part of me that believes that, for a while, Random Wandering Cheerful Little Boy knew something in his gut, too. that's enough for me, for now. even if i am a little stupid. if any, he was successful in making me feel like i’m just one step away from being the person i want to become... sometimes, i think i shouldn't chat with him to avoid overfamiliarity, which often turns things lukewarm. but he says hi and i can't help but say hi back. i hope he doesn't mind if i still like him, from this safe and hygienic distance, where i am not and can not expect anything in return.

however, i do miss jon,ze boy...having the right to think about him the way i used to, the right to comfort him when he's tired, to lift him up when he's not feeling too peachy about life, listen to him talk about anything (he's the chattiest male i know)...and minor things like chatting, texting him, hoping he would respond, hoping to get an email, getting emails, waiting for my birthday gift (ha ha), wondering if we are going anywhere, dreaming about him, waking up and having his face be the first thing on my mind... some are not too happy while some are great. and i miss feeling, thinking and knowing all of that. i don't know what kind of wreck i will be if and when i see him again. there's a part of me that says i have to move on right now. but there's a bigger part of me that's saying "this sadness is all you have of him now. if this is all i can have of him, i want to take it". yeah, that's not very healthy. but that's just me. and right now, i'm still not equipped to be all pragmatic. come to think of it, i don't think i've ever been that kind of person. i don't know why but i really care for him very deeply (also the major reason why i decided to be honest). i'm so sorry he had to be hurt while i was chasing things that please my ego and my need to believe in romance. he is awesome and would like to hold all of what we had close to my heart for a long time. i don't know if i should, but it feels like the warm and sincere thing to do, for me. this one i will remember not just with a smile, but will all the fondness and love my spirit can muster. thank you, jon, for loving me with your innocent heart. i hope you don't mind if will insist on believing.

at some point, i hope to be singing this with conviction.

i did my best, it wasn't much
i couldn't feel, so i tried to touch
i told the truth, i didn't come to fool you
and even though it all went wrong
i'll stand before the lord of song
with nothing on my tongue but hallelujah
-leonard cohen, hallelujah

on a whim, Louie and I agreed to go out of town to just relax and reflect. the past month has been a whirlwind and we figured we could use it. we wound up going to Balai sa Laiya in san juan, batangas (beside la luz resort).

Arriving shortly before lunch time, Louie is zonked out on her bed. Later on, we find that our beds are infested. rraaAARRR!!!
Appreciating the dusk. Obviously, this is a picture of my gnarly feet juxtaposed with the shore and sea. A few minutes later, us grown-ups try to figure out how to get into the tire swing and were promptly shown the ropes.
Max fitting so snugly into the tire and swinging oh so happily. It can be done, the oldies think.
Not like this, Mike. Don't accost the poor tire.
With no flash and a not so swanky camera, I try to get a shot of Louie and me with the sea as backdrop. Well...
Enjoying smokes, books and good sabog conversation at the lounge deck.
Views of the beach: up close, while sitting under a cabana.
as seen from the 2nd floor of the tower
as seen from the "make out deck"...
the Make Out deck...sometimes i see pillows here and some white stuff on the pillows. hopefully, these are just guano.
the lounge deck: with lounge chairs and big pillows for everyone to use and hammocks (2 chairs and one proper hammock you can lie in while reading a book). i'm having one like this in my future home.
Another take on my feet and their vacation. Enjoying the view of trees while in the coveted hammock.Yes, Louie and me again, on the lounge deck. A daylight shot. Vanidosa, ne?
No feet. Enjoying the hammock and Umberto Eco. Yep, I did not bring much change of clothes.
Meet McDo, the tricycle driving tuta. Magaling ang kapit kahit nasa dirt road! Seriously, the driver said his name is such because his mom is named Jollibee.
Women will smile for the camera no matter what: Riding a tricycle for about 30 minutes on a dirt road with pot holes you can swim in. after which was a long ride in a cantankerous jeepney traveling at the speed of sound. then the bus, of course. Bye, 3-day vaca.

i got one-third of my head rescrewed correctly. more stories soon. suffice to say, i have a plan... thanks, Louie! til the next.

You Should Be a Sexy Bunny for Halloween!

...as in "brake"! crazy, senseless comic strip.

Dr. McNinja (if the name alone doesn't tell you...)