i like it here

I want to dig a deep dark tunnel, under highways and crossing certain Oceans. I will dig all the way to a Secret Place, knock on Somebody's window and leave this note: "Meet me in the center of the square tonight".

In the middle of this strange city (odd for me), he will come when the snow is falling, in a long winter coat and puffing a cigar. He will stop fifteen paces away from me and I will ask him one question: "Why did you choose to live out here where it snows once a year, when you can be where the sun shines all the time?"

He will walk fourteen paces towards me, take one puff, blow the smoke in my face and say, "Because it snows here once every year. It snows. Once every year".

With that, I will crawl back into my tunnel and stay in that dank spot under the Ocean, until the water and the years wash away my ceiling and carry my body to the rocks.

And in that strange city, it will continue to snow. Once every year.

things just won't do without you...
i cannot be without you...
matter of fact.
i'm on your back.

**************

this is the first time in my life that i can actually say i have the blues. the holiday ones in particular.

knowing what a sappy twat i really am, i've been avoiding the kind of parties and events that tend to turn maudlin. really, i just might bawl to Pasko Na Sinta Ko. really. that won't do anything for my reputation.

but in the spirit of everyone else who do feel the, er, spirit...

have the warmest christmas, everyone! may you be surrounded by the people who make you happy and feel loved =)

strangely enough, i mean it. i'm wishing nothing but happiness for all my loyal readers (you, you and you, the both of you!) =D

**************

"i've got a lover, my brown-skinned girl. she's got the magic of another world. and every time that i think of her, i'm on fire."

-brown-skinned girl, carlos santana featuring bo bice

bow.

ako yon. period. ako! ako! ako!

**************

it's really Walking After You that's playing in the background of my head.

i don't know if that's a happy thing or a bad thing. or if i'm just fooling myself.

thanks, therese. that was sweet of you *hug back*

It's been a long time since I did this.

Last night, I went to the mall to go Christmas gift-shopping. At about 9pm, I went to have dinner.

Cafe Bola in Greenbelt 3 was packed. I was about to sit down on one of the group tables but the waiter set up a small round table with its own orange chair, all for my lonesome. I ordered my favorite mobile heart attack, the penne in chorizo-parmesan cream, for some comforting.

To my right was a pair of lovers, Chinese. Each of them is about 21-23 years old. No, they didn't look like the usual yuppie or hipster couples you normally see in that particular mall. Shirts, jeans and sneakers people. No love for fashion at all, those two.

To my left was a group of youngsters, highschoolers, all girls. They look about 14-16. What I noticed was they weren't the usual teeners you see in the mall, too, who are in short skirts and make-up. These ones came from a happy shopping spree at Hobbes. Yep, that kind of teenager. Laughing, noisy, giddy and feeling like Cafe Bola is The place to be. I miss having an innocent Christmas like that.

And right in front of me, was a group of three. Magkakabarkada, by the looks of it, who are each past their yuppie days. They went on to talk about "mature" things, but were still laughing and carrying on. One women was in an awesome 60s mod outfit. checked black and white pencil cut skirt down to the knees, long-sleeved black turtleneck, and black round-toed pumps. She had her hair in a three-inch beehive.

I remember writing somewhere, oh about 5-6 years ago, that I felt i was in the middle of a cohesive blur that i can never be part of. Watching people carry on with their happy, miserable, useless, useful, amazing, boring lives while i was just watching them, wishing i could partake of all that movement.

Well, it feels like I'm back there. However, I have no desire at the moment to share my favorite pasta. It's all mine.

**************

i think my neopets are dead. oh and i just read a lifestyle column in the star...making a sales pitch to readers on buying her house! what the hell is that? i truly wonder about what local newspaper publishers let their writers do...

**************
withlitht 2005
(no,i haven't put anything that's really expensive. i'd like some gadgets as much as the next girl but i'll buy those for me, thank you. these are stuff that are affordable.)

1. a good hairbrush (about P300 if you get Denman)
2. Sugaring (The Body Shop, P695)
3. massage balm
4. sennheiser earphones (Avant, Greenbelt 4, P400)
5. really flared vintage wash jeans
6. 100 pieces of trev-iron, my iron-vit. B complex tablet (about P8 each)
7. a good eye cream for night-use
8. A bottle of Toby's honey, all to myself
9. a deep purple (not the band) leather/leatherette bag that can fit my everyday essentials: salonpas gel, portfolio, small notebook, pen, tissue, lip balm, discman, 2 CDs, toothbrush, floss, wallet, coin purse, olive body spray
10. clear mascara
11. a clay/stone oil diffuser. the less polished and decorated, the
better - CHECK! courtesy of the office XMas party and a funny award. so tea lights na lang and oil =D
12. my kenneth cole watch repaired
13. aviator "pimp" shades from Ray-Ban. looked at alternatives in other trusted eyewear stores but even the pricey ones don't look as good on me as the Ray-Bans. ngars.
14. a sungka set (the darker the wood and simpler the design, the better)
15. small framed prints (8"x10" or 5"x8") of Gustav Klimt's more erotic work
16. a pair of closed shoes that fit BOTH my feet (any pair, dear lord, any farcking pair!)
17. a male pug, who i shall promptly name santiago
18. new underwear
19. a new dvd player
20. my own little room to play with

And these have their own subsections:
Books - Off the Road (Jack Kerouac), Smoke and Mirrors (Neil Gaiman, gave my autographed copy to jon, so he can have a piece of the Gaiman-mania that happened some months back), How to Lose Your Ass and Regain Your Life (Kirstie Alley, just because I adore her), a biography of Mae West, classic pinoy lit in filipino, some graphic novels (can't list 'em, too many), travelogues (i'm trying to get over my fear of flying)

Music - French Cafe (Putumayo), Joey Ayala at ang Bagong Lumad (some high school classmate never returned my cassettes), Gold Series-Siouxsie and the Banshees, Bob Marley, Marvin Gaye, Sylvia La Torre (on Pinoy folk/provincial songs, nice to wake up in the morning to), Stevie Ray Vaughan, Buena Vista Social Club, Ray Lamontagne, Janis Joplin, Asin, Trip (old Rivermaya), Muddy Waters, Jeff Buckley, the Eheads tribute CD Ultraelectromagnetic Jam, Bamboo

Movies - Quest for Fire, Dancer in the Dark, Bayaning 3rd World

Free from your past
Free of your future too
There's nothing left to rise above but you.

Show me your ocean red
Kiss the tears that stain my neck
Drug me with visions untrue.

But I own a photograph
You lay there naked on your back
Safe in a stone house by the sea.

There's nothing true and nothing's real
But I remember one clear feeling,
warm beneath your gentle company.
When I lay dying upon some bed,
I hope that you'll remember this:
the only one I want to see is you.
- Untitled Love Song, Michael Gira

a friend asked me if i've had alcohol, so far, yet. i told him what my preferred poison is.

Looking out the door
I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations
As their shoes fill up with water

And maybe I'm too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight, you're on my mind so
you never know

Broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight?
Child, you know how much I need it.
Too young to hold on
And too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away,
When he feels like he should be having his fun
Much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,
He has no-one...

So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return,
Oh, will I ever learn?
Oh, Lover, you should've come over
Cause it's not too late.

Lonely is the room the bed is made
The open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one
Who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep
That won't ever come
It's never over,
My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles
when I slept so soft against her...
It's never over,
All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear
That hangs inside my soul forever

Oh, but maybe I'm just too young to keep good love
From going wrong
Oh... lover you should've come over...

Yes, I feel too young to hold on
I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind
To see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love I'm waiting for you
Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late.
- Lover, You Should've Come Over, Jeff Buckley

some pick pics (uuy, feeling copywriter...). most of these photos remind me of the little, fun things more than the place itself, so there. i'm not a very place-centric adventurer =D

there are no pictures of me on the surfboard because, well, i was UNDER it, mostly :D

there's something wrong with pats and zane...could it be too much too soon?

requisite self-indulgence...

a somewhat blurry shot of the sunset. but it was so pretty, i tell you.

here is a series of photos of us mucking about on the last day...

pats and my ego

pats and my ego, too

it seems like tish's face was crudely photoshop-ed or pasted...so funny.

vicious hibiscus...que smart, daw.

more vicious hibisci (?)

kende...kende...kende... ang kulit ni chester...

and, yeah, i dunno what's up with my mouth. it seems to think it's part of that mask from the Scream movies.

here's an endearing baby girl at one of the carinderias.

eager beaver. so cute. chubby and dark brown, and so happy to hear people say thank you whenever she hands them their orders. she would run back to the kitchen with a big smile on her face, ready to carry the next plate of rice.

kanin?

we're forming a band we'll call The Contemplatives, kalaban ng Vicious Hibiscus...oh you had to be there. No, i'm not corny.

who has the best feeling surfer look?

the requisite shot of my feet...at this point they are all starting to look the same. next time, i'll take a shot of my feet on a surfboard :-)

(the first insallment)

Nov. 26-30 - it was a great three-day weekend. i found something i'd like to learn more about and take seriously (despite really pathetic attempts). despite the many parts of myself wanting to be in manila for personal reasons, i don't regret braving a midnight 4-hour bus ride and big waves (this from a non-swimmer). i'm slowly running out of money because of these jaunts but i'm catching up to stuff i missed while at job x. it's been worth it.

lookee...

teacher, teacher...this is junior, my surfing instructor. he. just. can't. smile for the camera.

doesn't look like anything, but they're bigger as you head on out. i'm also a wimp in the water so this is something for me already.

so we noticed we were all in blue...and decided to milk it

some japanese dude with a house near the beach had a party and invited some new friends (old ones for pats), who then promptly invited pats & co. here is a series of photos on the instant party. (l-r, top-bottom: janne, essi, moi, ben, pats, jehan, pi)

eh he he he

one of the instructors, mickie, gave us all flowers ganked from the vases in the house. sweet. that's him with the plastic cup for a face. he looks like Sul from The Mythology Class. eh he he, he likes to dance with drink in hand.

getting the party started...look everyone's getting pinker and funnier.

this is me and jehan taking a break from the bonfire discussion to talk about the same thing...love and men :-)

despite being to several local beaches in my lifetime, this is the first time i lie on one to just stare at the stars... this is me doing my Towelie (from South Park) impression as well...i look so high. chee!

the girls discussing more of the same

um...downed by beer and a few cups of cuba libre, which was more like rhum with a tablespoon of coke. i drew a rough photoshop circle around an amazing pasa... markado na ko!

More to follow!

Saturday, pats, ems, louie, omar epps and i went to anonas (sorry pats, yes, we'll sked 168 soon). tsong, goombye baguio.

there was a time when baguio was the only okay ukay (corny pun!) place, and the stuff you find in Manila are mostly just second hand clothes picked without any semblance of taste. though there was aling daddy-whats-her-name-again? in Tondo who also had awesome stock...

anyhoo, anonas was a happy place. I barely spent P900 for really great
buys. so great, i wanna take a picture and show them to you guys
(mainggit kaaaa!!!). nyar har.

after attacks of allergic rhinitis, we headed over to suriya to first take a shower and then be turned into human lumpia, kneaded, steamed and cured. four hours of absolute baboy-ness...and i didn't have to pay for it! we used the commission given by the company (because, apparently, they just can't give it to
us as cash, we had to spend it as a team).

mmmm.

it's difficult, though, to have that much time to yourself, being in a supposedly calm environment. it was too calm that my mind went into overdrive about many things. ngars.

but i try to be thankful.

**************

Words I learned yesterday:

Cabra
Anathema
Prufrockian

Is it, perhaps, the world using my favorite subject-the english language-to spite me?

nah, course not. just being overly paranoid =)

**************
tear tales...

the other day i was watching a dvd of a paul anka concert with my dad...and started weeping when he sang "She's Having My Baby". i am being so sappy these days. i think i need professional help.

sunday, with nothing to do and not in the mood to go out or even go to the gym, i stayed at home ALL day. keeping me company for breakfast, lunch and dinner were a big bag of Frito Lay's Sour Cream and Onion and a 1.5-liter bottle of Sarsi. I also had chocolate and instant noodles. yeah, that's right...death by junk food. good thing i didn't remember i had a stash of cerveza negra at home.

Louie was even kind enough to come up with a Mike Enriquez spiel:
"Babae, natagpuang patay sa kanyang bahay... Natagpuan po ang katawan ng
isang dalaga sa kanilang bahay na naninigas at nakakapit sa isang malaking
bag ng tsitsirya at bote ng Sarsi. Inuulit ko po, bote po ng Sarsi ang
hawak niya, isang bote ng Sarsi."

**************
i dunno why i'm making jokes.

Today, Dec. 1, 2005

I went to your house
Walked up the stairs
I opened your door without ringing the bell
I walked down the hall
Into your room
Where I could smell you
And I shouldn't be here, without permission
I shouldn't be here

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

I took off my clothes
Put on your robe
I went through your drawers
And found your cologne
I went down to the den
I found your CDs
And I played your Joni
And I shouldn't stay long, you might be home soon
I shouldn't stay long

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

...

So forgive me love
If I cry in your shower
So forgive me love
For the salt in your bed
So forgive me love
If I cry all afternoon

(alanis morrisette)

**************

Today is officially my first day of mourning. October 5 of this year was hell on me, too, but today i have something more concrete to grieve about.

October was a little easier, I guess, because it was the same situation with "only" a changed context. Today, even the situation has changed, and I know that it is finally for real.

There is a part, a very big part, of me that wants to rampage and destroy a small city (representing yours truly) like I was a giant robot. But there's also a big part that wants to hide meekly in a cave, just curl up into a ball and stay that way for good.

I didn't have too much to go on or look forward to then. But at least there were some saving graces...and the hope for someday. Now, there's totally nothing I can (maybe should) look forward to (although i badly, badly want to)...and that, my friends, is the saddest thing.

when friends ask me if i'd give it another go, given the opportunity, i always said i'm not sure and that i'll only know when i see him again.

i have my answer now...

meanwhile, people around me are talking about weddings, all happily and excitedly discussing beaches, dresses and music.

and i'm dragging my feet looking for a place to have dinner, alone.

i'll say, "look at that awesome moon!", and make a stupid, silly grin at no one's loving face.

yeah...my fault, too, why I have no one's hand to hold.